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Tim Minchin
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5 Poofs and 2 Pianos
Obviously I don't want to infer that being invited onto Friday Night with Wossy isn't wonderfully affirming,
and I know I oughta
appreciate the risk you took the bookers who agreed to book a chap who tends to talk about the kind of things that get the BBC
in hot water.
And I don't wanna seem greedy.
I'm just saying
I'd like to be here every week if that's okay,
and if you'll hear me out,
I think I've got a way in which we could do it pretty easily.
You can leave all the boring details to me.
It's a brilliant idea,
a truly original concept.
No one in Britain has ever done anything like it, yeah.
Picture this!
Imagine if we had:
Five poofs and two pianos,
Yeah!
It's a wicked idea!
Why settle for a quartet of queers,
when there's a possibility of a penta-poofter-piano-posse here.
Five poofs and two pianos,
Yeah!
It'll be ace!
A hundred percent more pianos
and twenty-five percent more gays.
I know, I know, I've seen the problem too.
There's a rumour I am straight, it's true.
It hurts to admit it,
but I'm about as bent as Wossy himself,
or Fifty Cent.
But I've already thought it through.
You know there's preachers in America, who reckon they can do
sexuality converstions, I've heard them assert,
They can cure a man of trouser love and turn him on to skirt.
Well, I don't see why they couldn't pull the same trick in reverse
and we'd have:
Five poofs and two pianos,
Yeah!
It's a revolution!
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And probably the best solution to the problem you're inevitably having with an even number of homosexuals.
Yes, I know your producers might suspect
that the license paying public will object
to the corperation having yet
another homosexual to pay.
The Daily Mail will bring the big guns out.
Jan Moir will be frothing at the mouth.
Writing further brilliant stuff about
the myth of being both happy and gay.
But all that moral indignation
will disappear when they see
those four lovely guys and me
singing in perfect harmony.
And all those angry letter writers
like disgusted from the Isle of Wight and
mad from Hull and outraged from Leeds
and slightly annoyed from Berwick-on-Tweed
will instantly change their tune.
They'll be bleeding heart liberals by Saturday noon.
They'll be giving their grandchildren up for adoption
in the hope that a gay married couple will adopt them.
They'll be putting rainbow stickers on their cars
and cutting holes in the arse of their leather strides.
Watching two pianos and five guys!
Watching two pianos and five guys!
Watching two pianos and five,
One, two, three, four,
Five poofs and two pianos
Yeah!
It'll be grand!
You can never have too many pianos,
or too much man.
Five poofs and two pianos,
and maybe we can out Jamie Cullum.
Make it a trio of pianos,
and a big gay half-dozen.
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