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Stephen Sondheim
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Invocation And Instructions To The Audience
Gods of the theatre, smile on us.
You who sit up there stern in judgment,
Smile on us.
You who look down on actors… (And who doesn't?)
Bless this yearly festival and smile on us.
We offer you song and dance.
We offer you rites and revels.
We offer you grace and beauty.
Smile on us for this while.
You who sit up there stern in judgment, smile on us.
We offer you song and dance.
We offer you rites and revels.
We offer you gods and heroes.
We offer you jokes and insults,
We offer you (we offer you) paeans and pageants,
Bacchanals and social comment.
Bless our play and smile.
Yes, but first…
Some dos and don'ts,
Mostly don'ts:
Please don't cough,
It tends to throw the actors off.
Have some respect for Aristophanes
And please, don't cough.
Please don't squeak,
We haven't oiled the seats all week.
You wouldn't want to miss a single work of Greek,
It's hard enough for us to hear each other speak
So please, don't squeak.
If you see flaws, please,
No loud guffaws, please,
Only because, please,
There are politer ways.
As for applause, please,
When there's a pause, please,
Although we welcome praise,
The echo sometimes lasts for days…
(Days…days…days…days…)
But first…
(Days…days…days…days…)
Don't take notes
To show us all you know the famous quotes.
And when you disapprove don't clear your throats
Or throw your crumpled programs, coins and coats
Or tell your neighbor scintillating anecdotes,
And please, refrain,
From candy wrapped in cellophane.
If we should get rhetorical,
Please don't curse.
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Wait till it's allegorical,
And in verse!
If we should get satirical,
Don't take it wrong.
And if, by a sudden miracle,
A tune should appear that's lyrical,
Don't hum along.
When we are waxing humorous,
Please don't wane.
The jokes are obscure but numerous…
We'll explain.
When we are waxing serious,
Don't squirm or laugh.
It starts when we act mysterious.
And if you're in doubt, don't query us,
I'll signal you when we're serious
(It's in the second half).
(Half…half…half…half…)
But first…
Please, don't leave.
It only makes the actors grieve.
We may have something better up our sleeve,
So please,
Don't leave.
Don't say, 'What?'
To every line you think you haven't got.
And if you're in a snit because you've missed the plot
(Of which I must admit there's not an awful lot),
Still don't
Say, 'What?' (What?)
Do not intrude, please,
When someone's nude, please.
She's there for mood, please.
And mustn't be embraced.
If we are crude, please,
Don't sit and brood, please.
Let's not be too strait-laced -
The author's reputation isn't based
On taste.
So please, don't fart -
There's very little air and this is art.
And should we get offensive, don't lose heart,
Pretend it's just the playwright being smart.
Eventually we'll get to the catharsis, then depart.
And now…
But first…
We start.
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