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Demetri Martin
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Concerts
I like to go to concerts because I like to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole that's standing in front of me.
They shoyld just call the news, '
What's Wrong.' Hi it's 6 o'clock, here's what's wrong.
Now for the local news here's the worst shit that's happened closest to you.
If i were an anastesiologist I'd be the funny guy at work.
Before they go under I'd be like no no no no no wait!
Oh shit!
I've got more visual jokes.
Smoking is a big problem, they can't get people to stop smoking.
Maybe if they'd change the shape of the cigarette.
Like maybe put two balls at the end of it.
I was on the highway and I saw a sign that said Live Nude Girls.
And I was thinking you probably don't need to mention the word Live.
I wasnt questioning their mortality until you brought it up.
Dead Nude Girls.
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Injured Nude Girls.
My type of girl!
She can't get away!
Teddy Bears create bad instincts because it teaches children bad habits with handling bears.
Last time I didnt get into a bar a bouncer said can I see some ID.
I go into my gym to workout and I get on the treadmill and i'm just not motivated.
I'm gonna get a recording of a pack of wolves gaining on me.
Sweating and crying pretty hard.
When I walk into a spider web, I just thank God I am big.
Sometimes I'll tease the spider and just act like I am caught.
The spider is like '
I'm set for life!
I'm set for life!'
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