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Stephen Sondheim
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A Little Priest
MS. LOVETT：Seems a downright shame… TODD (spoken)：Shame? MS. LOVETT：Seems an awful waste… Such a nice plump frame Wots his name has Had…has… Nor he can't be traced Business needs a lift Debts to be erased Think of it as thrift, as a gift If you get my drift Seems and awful waste I mean...with the price of meat wot it is When you get it, if you get it TODD：Ah… MS. LOVETT：Good you got it Take for instance Ms. Mooney and her pie shop Business never better using only pussy cats and toast Now a pussy's good for maybe six or seven at the most And I'm sure they can't compare as far as taste (simultaneously) TODD：Ms. Lovett, what a charming notion Eminently practical MS. LOVETT：Well it does seem a waste! TODD：And yet appropriate as always Ms. Lovett, how I've lived without you all these years I'll never know! How delectable! Also undetectable! MS. LOVETT：Think about it Lots of other gentlemen'll soon be coming in for a shave Won't they? Think of All them Pies! TODD：How choice! How rare! For what's the sound of the world out there? MS. LOVETT：What Mr. Todd, what Mr. Todd What is that sound? TODD：Those crunching noises pervading the air! MS. LOVETT：Yes, Mr. Todd, Yes Mr. Todd Yes all around TODD：It's man devouring man, my dear! BOTH：Then who are we to deny it in here? TODD (spoken)：These are desperate times, Ms. Lovett And desperate measures are called for MS. LOVETT：Here we are. Hot out of the oven TODD：What is that? MS. LOVETT：Its priest Have a little priest TODD：Is it really good? MS. LOVETT：Sir, it's too good, at least Then again they don't commit sins of the flesh So it's pretty fresh TODD：Awful lot of fat MS. LOVETT：Only where it sat TODD：Haven't you got poet or something like that? MS. LOVETT：No you see the trouble with poet Is how do you know it's deceased? Try the priest! Lawyer's rather nice TODD：If it's for a price MS. LOVETT：Order something else, though, to follow Since no one should swallow it twice TODD：Anything that's lean? MS. LOVETT：Well then if you're British and loyal You might enjoy royal marine Anyway it's clean Though of course it tastes of wherever it's been! TODD：Is that squire on the fire? MS. LOVETT：Mercy no, sir, look closer You'll notice its grocer! TODD：Looks thicker, more like vicar MS. LOVETT：No, it has to be grocer It's green! TODD：The history of the world, my love MS. LOVETT：Save a lot of graves Do a lot of relatives favors TODD：Is those below serving those up above! MS. LOVETT：Everybody shaves so there should be plenty of flavors TODD：How gratifying for once to know BOTH：That those above will serve those down below TODD (spoken)：What is that? MS. LOVETT：It's fop Finest in the shop Or we have some shepherds pie peppered With actual shepherd on top! And I've just begun Is the politician so oily it's served with a doily? Have one! TODD：Put it on a bun Well you never know if it's going to run! MS. LOVETT：Try the friar! Fried, it's drier! TODD：No! The clergy is really too coarse and too mealy! MS. LOVETT：Then actor! It's compacter! TODD：Ah, but always arrives overdone (spoken) I'll come again when you have judge on the menu Have charity towards the world, my pet! MS. LOVETT：Yes, yes, I know, my love TODD：We'll take the customers that we can get! MS. LOVETT：High-born and low, my love! TODD：We'll not discriminate great from small No, we'll serve anyone (simultaneously) MS. LOVETT：We'll serve anyone! TODD：Meaning anyone! BOTH：And to anyone At all!
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