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Frank Zappa & The Mothers
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Champagne Lecture
FZ：You know, a lotsa people don't bother about their friends in the VEGETABLE KINGDOM. They think, 'What can I say?
What can a person who is new to the Midwest say to a vegetable?'
Howard：Suss it out, wankers!
FZ：Suss it out, wankers!
Mark & Howard：Suss it out, wankers!
Jeff: Suss it out, wankers.
FZ: Suss it out, wankers!
Mark & Howard: Suss it out, wankers!
Aynsley: Suss it out, wankers . . . what's the matter with you?
Howard: Aynsley Dunbar!
FZ: And after 'Suss it out, wankers' . . .
Mark: Ok.
FZ: You go and get yourself a big bottle of champagne!
Mothers: AAAH!
FZ: Find yourself a young vegetable victim!
Mothers: Yeah!
FZ: Take your young vegetable victim . . .
Step one, now this is very important, you have to do it exactly this way.
Bring the band on down behind me, boys, this gets technical!
First: You get a Polaroid camera . . .
Mothers: Yeah!
FZ: And you make one good jump,
from a balcony to another balcony on the seventh floor
of the Sheraton Hotel in Jacksonville.
Howard: Aynsley Dunbar, ladies and gentlemen.
FZ: When you land on the other balcony with your
Polaroid camera, something like this . . .
Mothers: Heeey!
FZ: Shoot off one good flashbulb catching . . .
The agent will immediately turn around and say,
'You know, I sure would like to have that photograph.'
You walk up to the agent and say,
'Well, huh, funny you should mention it,
I have this photograph here and just about time to develop it,
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yes it turned out great, it shows both of you here,
and I'll give you this photograph if you'll give me the munchkin vegetable
that you're with in order that I might make a few more pictures . . . '
So you make a quick trade, holding the champagne bottle
in abeyance until the rest of the members of your band
have jumped over the same balcony . . .
Mothers: Eeeeeeeeh!
FZ: And come in and taken their places around the bed
where the munchkin vegetable is laid out, posing:
Leg up in the air, leg down, leg to the side.
Then, after some deft manipulation of the
vital parts of the munchkin vegetable . . .
Jeff: Hey, I want some baby to hold my tool and squeeze it
FZ: With one masterful stroke,
or maybe you might use several masterful strokes—
shake up the magnum of champagne to a foamy froth,
holding your thumb over the end of it . . .
Aynsley: No, no, no . . . you left the cork in,
Frank, you pull the cork out it . . . Suss it out, wankers!
Howard: They're a hip audience, Frank, they know what's gonna happen next!
FZ: After the band has given you complete attention,
and is watching closely for the precise moment
of the detonation of the alcoholic beverage into the vital organ,
you give a sort of casual glance around the bedroom of the Sheraton,
a suave little smile and wink one eye,
adjust your bow tie, and just stuff it right in there!
Mothers: Aaaah!
FZ: And then you tell 'em how you feel.
You whip it right out, take a snort off of it . . .?: How do you feel?
Mark: Aynsley Dunbar . . .
FZ: No, no, no . . .
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